The Villain We Don't See
I went to see the new Spider-Man movie, got myself tangled up in thoughts about webs, connection, and our rather inconvenient need for other people, and decided I had found the Unlikely Altar. I even wrote about it in my last blog, Trust the Web.
I figured I was done with Spider-Man. But I guess Spider-Man wasn't done with me.
One day as I was driving home from a funeral home, I heard something that made me think about the movie all over again. I was listening to a podcast, The Big Picture, and one of the hosts, Amanda, said something almost in passing.
She said the real villain of the Spider-Man movie was loneliness.
The other hosts didn't really acknowledge it and the conversation moved on. But I couldn't shake it. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if she had seen something hiding in plain sight; something that I might have missed.
The trailer tells us that Spider-Man is up against "a powerful villain no one can even see." Maybe that's not just a clue about the movie's mystery. Maybe it's the movie's deepest truth.
Because loneliness was everywhere in the story. It was there every time Peter Parker walked past someone who used to know him and didn't get so much as a second glance. It was there when he sat alone in an apartment that used to be full of people. It was there in the quiet, unglamorous fact that the world had simply moved on without him.
Nobody made a big deal about it. Because that's not how loneliness usually works. It doesn't announce itself, instead it just keeps piling on. It is that way in this movie and it is that way in real life.
The strange thing about loneliness is that there isn't just one way it finds us. Sometimes it finds us when someone dies. Sometimes a marriage ends, or a friendship that once seemed permanent quietly disappears. And sometimes nothing dramatic happens at all. We're just lonely.
I mentioned this idea for the blog to a good friend of mine, and his response stopped me.
His mother recently lost her husband and now lives with him and his family. She isn't alone. There are people in the house who love her. There are meals and conversations and all the ordinary movement of family life around her. But her world has been getting smaller. Her husband is gone. She can no longer drive. Friends who once called or texted don't seem to anymore.
"Mom is experiencing that now," he told me. "Even with us around." And then he said something I haven't been able to forget. "I see it every day."
Maybe that's what we misunderstand about loneliness. We sometimes treat it like a math problem. Put enough people in the room and loneliness should disappear. But it doesn't work that way.
Sometimes you can be deeply loved and still deeply lonely. What you miss isn't "people" - - you miss a particular person, a particular life. The one who knew how you took your coffee. The familiar voice from the other room. The freedom to get in the car and go somewhere, the job where people knew your name, the routines you never realized were holding your world together until they were gone.
Maybe loneliness isn't always an empty room. Sometimes it's the empty spaces left inside a life that is still very much full of people.
I've seen that kind of loneliness in my work. I've seen it at funerals where a widow or widower is surrounded by a room full of people who genuinely love them, while knowing that eventually everyone will go home. And so will they. Except they will go home without the one person they desperately wish were going with them.
I know something about that kind of loneliness too. Chances are, you have too. Sometimes it lasts an evening and then there are times when it lasts much longer. Sometimes we know exactly why it's there, and sometimes we couldn't explain it if we tried.
We can be lonely in an empty house. We can also be lonely at a crowded table. Maybe that's why loneliness makes such a good villain. It doesn't need a mask.
It hides in the quiet apartment, the empty side of the bed, the phone call you don't make anymore. Nobody claps when it's defeated because most of the time nobody else even knew it was there.
And I don't think Spider-Man ever really beats it. Not for good. But then I'm not sure any of us do. Maybe that's because loneliness isn't always something to be defeated.
Sometimes there is no fixing the empty side of the bed. No replacing the person who knew how you took your coffee. No giving someone back the life they had before the world changed.
Maybe, for now, the point is simply to notice. Not because noticing leads somewhere, not because it's the first step toward fixing anything. It doesn't solve the math. Counting heads in a room never made anyone less lonely, and neither will counting the people who noticed. Noticing isn't a means to an end here — it's the whole point.
That's the Unlikely Altar this time. Not the web itself, but the moment somebody stops and sees the person standing in it, caught, and says so out loud. Amanda, catching it in a sentence almost nobody else heard. My friend, seeing it in his mother every day, in a house full of people who love her. Somebody, once, seeing it in me.
Maybe that's how we keep weaving the web. Not by making loneliness disappear. By making sure the lonely don't disappear with it.




